Last night was awful. All the stress and self doubt had piled up and just finally became too much. I knew last night that I wasn't being rational. I knew that it wouldn't always feel like it did in that moment, but that didn't stop me from feeling every bit of what I felt and thinking that I just couldn't do it anymore. But haven't we all felt like that at some point in our life. The challenges just keep coming, and I'm going to have them whether I'm in school or not. This is my challenge right now. In a few years it will be something different.
Last night I crashed hard and I slept for almost 12 hours. I'm sure the sleep deprivation of last week played a big part in my mini breakdown. When I finally woke up it took me a few hours to feel motivated to do much, but eventually I tackled my Psych reading and took my quiz. I managed a 9/10 which helped improve my mood. Plus, the two chapters I had to read were ones that were really interesting to me. While I was reading them Isaac came in and we talked about what I was reading. He asked me if I wanted him to help me with flashcards again tonight. I didn't have any to work on, but it made me happy that he wanted to help me. After finally showering and running a few errands I started to feel like myself again.
Tonight I hung out with Elijah for almost 4 hours. I can't remember the last time the two of us spent that much time together. I loved it. Tomorrow we are all going down to my mom's to visit Erika and Adam who are in town for a very short visit. I'm sure a big hug from my sister and my mom will make me feel even that much better.
I don't know how everything will turn out. I don't know if my plans will work out the way I want them to. What I do know is that I've started this, and I will not quit. I'm going to have good weeks and awful weeks. I'll have good tests and bad tests. I'll have days where I feel like a great mom and days where I'll feel like I have failed my kids. I just need to remind myself that everyone feels those ups and downs. We all have them. If I need to cry or wallow, that's ok. I just need to remember to pull myself out of it, because as much as I hate the bad stuff I don't want it to own me. I want the good stuff too and I'm determined not to miss it.
Saturday, October 10, 2009
Friday, October 9, 2009
Wallowing
Who wants to read this blog anymore...not anyone who wants to be uplifted or laugh. It's a total downer. But that's just how I am feeling right now. I just can't escape it. I feel totally trapped. I'm on the verge of tears way more than I'd like to be. Every mistake I make feels like the end of the world. I am just not enough. I don't know how to fix it. It sure doesn't help to be asked questions like, "are you always going to be like this?" What I'd rather have is a hug, some reassurance, a thank you. Instead, I just feel more pressure not to fail. I'm so tired, but I'm on this damn train and there is no getting off. So no matter how crappy I do on an exam or an assignment, there is NO choice to but to move forward.
I've often wondered why people thought I was smart. The truth is, I'm not. I'm mediocre at best. I have to study so hard and it's still not enough. I know that people have this idea that school came naturally, that I was a great student. I'm not. I so want to be, and in some courses it's true. But B's are becoming second nature to me these days and I don't know how to change it. B is average. There is nothing special about B. It doesn't make me fell any better when someone tries to tell me that I'm smart. All that does is set the bar higher than I can reach and reinforce my feeling of failure when I don't. But the sad thing is that I believed it too. I believed I was smart, that I was a good student. So the biggest person I feel like I'm letting down is me. And when you add my guilt about being away from my kids, not getting things done at home and any added stress to my marriage I just start to sink deeper.
This has been the longest week. It's not over. I've finished 3 tests and 1 quiz since Monday and I have 1 more test and 1 more quiz to finish before Monday night. I'm sure that the massive overload of work has not helped my ability to cope. I keep hoping that I'll snap out of this and start feeling like I have a better handle on my life. I just don't know if I will, and it terrifies me. What if the answer to the question, "will you always be like this?" is yes. What then? Will I just be adding that to my list of things I feel bad about? I want to stop sinking. I don't know how. I've said it before. What the hell was I thinking taking this on. Damn all the encouragement and the "I'm so proud of you." Who is going to be proud of a disaster...because, honestly, that is what I feel like I am.
I've often wondered why people thought I was smart. The truth is, I'm not. I'm mediocre at best. I have to study so hard and it's still not enough. I know that people have this idea that school came naturally, that I was a great student. I'm not. I so want to be, and in some courses it's true. But B's are becoming second nature to me these days and I don't know how to change it. B is average. There is nothing special about B. It doesn't make me fell any better when someone tries to tell me that I'm smart. All that does is set the bar higher than I can reach and reinforce my feeling of failure when I don't. But the sad thing is that I believed it too. I believed I was smart, that I was a good student. So the biggest person I feel like I'm letting down is me. And when you add my guilt about being away from my kids, not getting things done at home and any added stress to my marriage I just start to sink deeper.
This has been the longest week. It's not over. I've finished 3 tests and 1 quiz since Monday and I have 1 more test and 1 more quiz to finish before Monday night. I'm sure that the massive overload of work has not helped my ability to cope. I keep hoping that I'll snap out of this and start feeling like I have a better handle on my life. I just don't know if I will, and it terrifies me. What if the answer to the question, "will you always be like this?" is yes. What then? Will I just be adding that to my list of things I feel bad about? I want to stop sinking. I don't know how. I've said it before. What the hell was I thinking taking this on. Damn all the encouragement and the "I'm so proud of you." Who is going to be proud of a disaster...because, honestly, that is what I feel like I am.
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
Exhausted
I've just finished typing out an angry blog post. I'm not sure about posting it, I want to, but I'm not sure I'm going to. I'm just so tired. I can't focus on school. I'm trying, but my mind won't cooperate. I know everyone thinks it's so great I'm doing this again, and I'll admit, I was on board with that theory last year, but this year I'm just tired, and I'm not even 1/2 way there. It felt good to write out the anger, but I really don't want people to see me as an angry, bitter person. I'm really not. I just hate it when something you'd rather not deal with ends up in your inbox. I might hit publish, I might not.
Right now I'm just going to close up the laptop, turn out the lights and close my eyes. Hope that the focus comes, the studying pays off and that it will be December soon enough so I can have a few weeks off of school. I can make it 2 more months, right??
Right now I'm just going to close up the laptop, turn out the lights and close my eyes. Hope that the focus comes, the studying pays off and that it will be December soon enough so I can have a few weeks off of school. I can make it 2 more months, right??
Monday, October 5, 2009
Because it would be in poor taste to send this in an email, but somehow makes sense to write about it on my blog.
***Disclaimer- I thought a while about posting this. I wasn't going to. I was just going to write it to vent my own frustration and let it be. It does have things that are very personal to Brian and I don't want to come off as the mouth piece for his pain. I will tell you that I love my husband and hate to see him hurt over and over and it makes me angry. He read my post and told me to go ahead and publish it. I think he sometimes feels very misunderstood about how he could end the relationship with his mom. It's something so many people just can't understand. I used to be one of them, but I'm not anymore. Not everyone is as lucky as I am, to have the mother I do. The anger is going away from this latest incident, it really isn't really that big of a deal, but it was upsetting. So, my angry letter is here with Brian's permission. He feels that it is a pretty accurate description of how he feels and I feel. And a warning...watch out if you hurt someone I love. I can get REALLY mean!****
To Whom it May Concern...but really, just to my M-I-L,
I do not see the point in sending me and my husband a forwarded email about how to cherish those you love. You have bounced in and out of your son's life, my life and the lives of your grandchildren. He said he was done with your constant foolishness. He said he was done playing the guessing game of when you would be crazy, when you wouldn't. When you'd stay, when you'd go. He took away that power and just told you to stay away. It's been over 2 years, and you think that it's OK to send us each this???? It's not even YOUR words. If you are going to attempt contact at least have the balls to use your OWN words. Not that you will get a response. I'm pretty sure he got off the roller coaster for the last time. I get that you have been sick and that you married a controlling jerk. He skeeved me out from the first time I met him. There was no way in hell I was letting him be alone with my children. And when I saw you making all these choices for him, because it was what he wanted you to do, I knew that you would never put my children's safety ahead of what he asked of you. But that was your choice. Our choice was to not let you have the kids alone with him. But that is all old news. Old news until I open my email and read a forward that is full of so much crap.
Instead of firing off an angry email I just responded with a simple, "Please take me off your forward list." Brian just deleted his. I have enough going on, don't need to be reminded of a crazy woman's nonsense. All I know is that ever since Brian ended that relationship he has been a happier person. We can actually make it through a Mother's Day without him breaking down. He feels free. I'm not sure how many people know what if feels like to be trapped in someone's vicious circle of crazy. I really didn't understand how detrimental her behavior was to him for many years of our marriage. I always thought that if they could just talk, work it out, we could all move on and things could be ok. What I didn't know was that it wasn't possible. In the 12 years that we have been married she has come in and out of our lives 4 times. And that was just while Brian and I were together...it was just a continuation of the pattern she set while he was in high school. It sucks that he got a raw deal in the mom department. And it sucks that my kids don't get to know their grandma, because I don't have the heart to explain why she comes and goes, why we can't trust her husband, and why we can't trust her. But if you think that a forwarded email will open the door, you are dead wrong. The door is closed. If you treat someone like they are disposable for long enough, eventually they will get the message. Message received. Now take me off your forward list and leave us alone. It will be the one thing you've done right for your son.
To Whom it May Concern...but really, just to my M-I-L,
I do not see the point in sending me and my husband a forwarded email about how to cherish those you love. You have bounced in and out of your son's life, my life and the lives of your grandchildren. He said he was done with your constant foolishness. He said he was done playing the guessing game of when you would be crazy, when you wouldn't. When you'd stay, when you'd go. He took away that power and just told you to stay away. It's been over 2 years, and you think that it's OK to send us each this???? It's not even YOUR words. If you are going to attempt contact at least have the balls to use your OWN words. Not that you will get a response. I'm pretty sure he got off the roller coaster for the last time. I get that you have been sick and that you married a controlling jerk. He skeeved me out from the first time I met him. There was no way in hell I was letting him be alone with my children. And when I saw you making all these choices for him, because it was what he wanted you to do, I knew that you would never put my children's safety ahead of what he asked of you. But that was your choice. Our choice was to not let you have the kids alone with him. But that is all old news. Old news until I open my email and read a forward that is full of so much crap.
Instead of firing off an angry email I just responded with a simple, "Please take me off your forward list." Brian just deleted his. I have enough going on, don't need to be reminded of a crazy woman's nonsense. All I know is that ever since Brian ended that relationship he has been a happier person. We can actually make it through a Mother's Day without him breaking down. He feels free. I'm not sure how many people know what if feels like to be trapped in someone's vicious circle of crazy. I really didn't understand how detrimental her behavior was to him for many years of our marriage. I always thought that if they could just talk, work it out, we could all move on and things could be ok. What I didn't know was that it wasn't possible. In the 12 years that we have been married she has come in and out of our lives 4 times. And that was just while Brian and I were together...it was just a continuation of the pattern she set while he was in high school. It sucks that he got a raw deal in the mom department. And it sucks that my kids don't get to know their grandma, because I don't have the heart to explain why she comes and goes, why we can't trust her husband, and why we can't trust her. But if you think that a forwarded email will open the door, you are dead wrong. The door is closed. If you treat someone like they are disposable for long enough, eventually they will get the message. Message received. Now take me off your forward list and leave us alone. It will be the one thing you've done right for your son.
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