My Stupid Mouth

Sometimes I feel that song describes my life. I remember when I first heard it. I had just bought John Mayer's first big CD and was listening to it in my kitchen in Pennsylvania. It pretty much summed up how I felt about myself. "My stupid mouth has got me in trouble. I said too much again." I feel like I start talking with the best of intentions-and it goes ok for a while-but before I know it I have totally stopped thinking before speaking and I just start to make a mess that I have to back track out of. I know that if I had really thought it through I might have been able to keep things controlled and kept myself from saying things I really don't want to. Sometimes the things I say are just stupid, but sometimes I say things that I'm really feeling, but don't really want to say. Then it makes me feel a bit crazy when I get the reaction that I do. The topics are usually things that I am fine with most of the time, but sometimes, things that really bother me. I know that if I could just keep my mouth shut the moment will pass and it will go back to fine, but my stupid mouth doesn't always remember that. And now that I've spoken, I can't stop thinking about it. Wondering if it would be better to really dig in deep to an issue, or if it's best to stay quiet and keep the peace. Keeping the peace can sure be lonely. But, diving into an issue that there is no real hope to change can be just as lonely, if not more so. And that makes me wish I had just not spoken in the first place.

Why Isaac is Funny

Yesterday Isaac told me that he had to do an assignment in class. He had to fill in the boxes on a worksheet with the numbers from 1-100. Isaac told me that he wrote this in the boxes, "1, 2 skip a few, 99, 100 and TURNED IT IN. He laughed and told me that it was given right back to him with instructions to do it correctly. He seemed honestly disappointed that his teacher didn't accept the assignment that way. That boy is always looking for a shortcut. But the story gave me a much needed laugh.

How Life Changes in a Week

It's been just over a week since London died. Telling the kids was awful. I hated every second of it. I hated all the tears that have followed, theirs, mine, Brian's. It was just a bad time all around. Swarley, our other kitten, was depressed. He would just sit by the garage door and wait for London to come home. He didn't play, he just wasn't himself. That broke my heart even more. I hadn't realized until she was gone that wherever one was, the other was also right there. It seemed so wrong to just see Swarley on his own. Brian felt strongly that we needed to get another kitten for Swarley. I wasn't ready, not by a long shot. But, I went along with it. Over the weekend we brought home our new boy, Mosby. He is an 8 month old kitten. Swarley hated it. He hissed for almost 24 hours straight, and would just lay by the door to the garage. He must have thought we were playing a cruel trick on him. They wouldn't get along, and I would just cry more. It made me miss London even more, made me miss the two of them together. But, by Sunday the two boys were getting along. By Sunday night the boys were playing non stop and Swarley was slowly coming back to life. Mosby got used to our family and has become quite the little cuddler. I'm not sure how long it will take me to fall in love with him. I look at him and I'm still a little bitter that he's here and London isn't. I feel bad about that. But, he has been a good distraction for the kids, and he has helped Swarley a lot.

As for me, I'm in the middle of the quarter. It's been a lot of work. I did manage to get an A on my first biology test and 100% on my first math test. I should actually be working on my bio right now, but I'm blogging instead! I have enjoying having my Bio class on campus. I have some really nice people at my table and it's been nice to have the social part of college again. Tomorrow I am going with Elijah on his field trip. We are going about an hour away, maybe longer on the school bus, to visit the Washington State History Museum. I'm not looking forward to the bus ride, but I do enjoy getting to spend time with Elijah, even though he has once again stated the rules. No hugging, no arms around him, pretty much, he doesn't even know me. It makes me laugh that he makes those rules, but he does love it that I'm coming. He has told me that a few times. Fine with me. I will follow his rules and I'm just glad to know that he is happy that I'm on the field trip.

This weekend Erika is coming to WA for a visit. I'm excited to see her and help her go through some of her things and clear out space at Mom's. Adam will join us for dinner that night. I've only spent a small amount of time with him, so it will be nice to get to know him a little bit better.

I guess the other big news it that I'm having foot surgery next Friday. In November I started having pain in my left foot. I was a big preoccupied with my dermoid cyst and surgery that I put off having my foot checked. I went in December and found out that I have a bunion. I was not happy about it. At my last dr. apt. he explained the surgery that I would need to repair it. I had the choice to leave it alone and deal with the pain, or to have the surgery to fix it. I chose the surgery. It's only a few hours at the hospital and the recovery time will be 6-8 weeks. I will be in a special shoe during that time, but will be able to get around, drive, go to school- pretty much all my normal stuff minus heavy lifting, running and jumping. I think I'll be able to steer clear of those things! I have a million things to do before the surgery, but I'm hoping to get everything done in time. Just seems to be the year for surgery in this family!

I am really hoping that the next week will be better than the last one. Can't wait to see Erika, spend a day with Elijah, bond with Mosby, and fix my foot. It's going to be busy week!

Crazy Cat Lady-Minus One Cat

Got a call this morning from the vet. London died within minutes of going under anesthesia. He said it looked like there was fluid in her lungs that we didn't know about. They tried to save her, but couldn't. I am surprised by how hard I am taking this. I have only 15 minutes before I pick Eve up from school, and I have to pull it together. Brian and I will tell the kids after the boys get home today. I'm dreading it. I'm not only so sad that London isn't coming home, but terrified of telling my kids and seeing their reactions. They have all been praying so hard for her. This will be a very hard day for all of us. The house will be much quieter with only Swarley. We will miss you so much London.

Decision Made

London is now at the vet getting ready for her repair surgery tomorrow. We found a vet in a town about 50 minutes south of here who could do the repair for $1500 less than the estimates we got in our town. I am hopeful that she will do well with her surgery, make a full recovery, and never hurt herself again!

Best part of my day? The vet is in the same town as the high school my mom works at. Eve and I surprised her about 20 minutes before the end of the day. Got to hug my mom, while Eve joined in hugging both of us. It was just what I needed. 10 minutes with mom in a loud classroom, perfect! I also got to pop into my blogger mom's classroom, which happens to be right next to my mom's. I don't see her face to face very often, so it was a fun treat for this afternoon.

Tonight I had my first Bio quiz. I think I did ok. I'll find out for sure on Thursday. I felt pretty confident on most of my answers, but struggled on a few. Hopefully I was right more than I was wrong. It was so strange to be back in a classroom taking a test like this.

I'm looking forward to tomorrow. A whole day at home, no school work, catching up on housework, grocery shopping, and my mom is coming to visit! She is coming with us to swimming lessons. I snapped this pic of Eve a few lessons ago. She was doing the lunge pose from wii fit. So cute. I'm sure my mom will be surprised by how much they have learned since she was here last month. They are all becoming very strong little fish! Yes, I have high hopes for a great Wednesday!

Becoming a Crazy Cat Lady

I think it happened when we brought these two sweet kitties into our house. I fell in love with them so quickly, and thinking about how the house felt before they came compared to how it feels now-it's just so different. I love the energy they bring. I love the purring, their little faces right in mine when I'm trying to sleep. Swarley's insistence that he sit right next to the kitchen sink when I am doing dishes. It still took me by surprise how hard the last two days have been. I really didn't realize how much these two changed our lives and stole our hearts until now. Last night London stayed sacked out on my lap for most of the evening, soaking up my love, and Swarley was hanging with Elijah. I was glad that my camera was right next to me when I saw this.

Aren't they just too cute together! It is moments like this confirm my crazy cat lady status.

London Update

Talked to a few surgeons. Surgery to repair would be around $2500. No guarantees about how it would work long term. At this point we are leaning towards amputation. Still expensive, but not nearly as much. Any suggestions for reasonable vet care are very appreciated. For now, she is resting comfortably, but would much rather be playing. She tried to play the last time we let her out of her crate. She'd much rather play than rest. This girl is a feisty fighter.

Kitten in a Cage

This has NOT been a good morning. Last night, we went to sleep with two playful, healthy, happy kittens. This morning, we only had one playful, healthy, happy kitten. Our poor London was limping and crying and would just shake and cry when we would hold her. She couldn't stand up, and would just collapse on the ground. I took her to the vet. It's not good. Our little 5 month old kitten has messed up her knee and it's looking like surgery may be our only option. What kind of surgery is still up in the air. I have some calls in to a few surgeons to discuss options, and of course, we have to set a price limit on what we can spend. But this is not something that will heal on its own. So far today I've paid for the vet visit and the x-rays, so the cost is rising. For now, London is home and confined to her carrier. We can take her out every 3-4 hours to put her in her littlerbox and let her eat if she wants. She isn't allowed out, shouldn't be held and needs to rest. We have lots of pain pills to help her get through weekend. Here is a picture of our little crate bound kitten and our healthy boy, Swarley. It has been such a long morning, my head hurts, I've cried a bunch, and I'm hoping for a good resolution to this disaster.

Biology Blah and Please Don't Use Comments to Sell Your Products

Biology-blah! I'm reading, studying and feeling like I can't absorb anything. I am feeling so stupid right now! Makes me wonder how I will ever survive all the biology I'm going to have to take. Let's hope that something clicks soon, because so far, not much has in the chapter we are on.

I also got a comment from someone I didn't recognize. It was on the post about Isaac's throwing up in my car. The comment was nice and friendly, sympathising with the incident, but the end of the comment talked about how he created this great new vomit bag. His name included a link to his site to buy the vomit bag. I am all for creative marketing-but please don't market in my comments. I'm the first to admit that I push Global Daughter on my readers-and I have put a plug in for my cousin who is raising money for prostate cancer-but since this is my blog, I can do that without any guilt! So, if you want to advertise your product in my comments, keep on moving. It won't be published, and I won't buy your vomit bags! If you want to send me some samples and they work great, I'll be happy to mention it here, but I'm guessing that isn't what you are after!

So now, time to eat my dinner quickly and head to school for 2 hours of math and 2 hours of biology...seriously, what am I thinking!

I Should Be Studying...

But instead I'm playing with Picasa 3 and creating fun things with my pictures. Here is one of our Christmas photos from this year. So much more fun that biology!

It's also really cool that I can publish a blog with photos from right inside of picasa. I think that it will make it easier for me to do more with photos, a lot less time involved. I love these pictures. Brian's brother took them for us this year. They turned out so cute.

One of the other things I did today was donate to the Lance Armstrong Foundation. My cousin, Mike, is riding his bike 100 miles to raise money. My uncle, Mike's dad, was diagnosed with prostate cancer last year. We were all upset by the news. I think it is really great that Mike is doing something positive and helpful, when a situation like this leaves everyone feeling very powerless and helpless. Here is what Mike said about what he is doing,

"Please support me as I make a difference in the cancer battle by participating in the LIVESTRONG Challenge.At the culmination of the event on June 21, I will be riding 100 miles in honor of my dad (fighting prostate cancer), my mom (a true survivor), Grandma Betty, and Uncle Bryan.-----------Follow the story on my blog:http://mudsweatbeers.blogspot.com/-----------I understand that financial times are tough... they certainly are for my family. Your sponsorship, in any amount, is greatly appreciated! Thank you for supporting a cause I believe in.-mike"

I didn't donate a ton of money, but every bit helps. Plus, everyone who donates gets and awesome shout out on his blog and virtual bacon, and who doesn't want that! If you think you can help, or you just want to read more about what he is doing, check out his blog, Mud, Sweat and Beers.

10 Year Old Wisdom

I'm and more and more amazed by Elijah. We started off the year and he was struggling so much with the new school year. Now he is a whole different boy. I have really enjoyed getting to know him the past few months. When we talk, it amazes me to listen to his insight. He is smart, and he really thinks about things. I am really learning about the kind of person he is, and I like him a lot. Today when we were driving home from school he started asking me questions about school. He was asking me about the nursing program. I told him that I needed to do really well in my classes and that I have to get all A's. He said, "Mom, you are so smart. You are a really good mom, so I'm sure you will get really good grades." I smiled at the compliment. I then said something like, "If I get into nursing school..." He said, "No, Mom, WHEN you get into nursing school." It stopped me. I thought it was my job to build his self esteem. To help him know his worth. And in that small moment, what he said, the tone of his voice, he reminded me of my worth. He reminded me to think positive and to give myself credit. In those two sentences he told me my worth as a mother and as a person. I count myself very blessed to have Elijah. I am looking forward to seeing what kind of man he becomes, and I'm going to enjoy the next 9 years I get with him at home.

Disappointed

We were supposed to go to Bellingham today for Trevor's baptism. Trevor is Jenny's son. The kids and I were all very excited to go. Elijah was sick all last week, and Isaac came home with a fever yesterday, but this morning they were all playing and had tons of energy. I have been fighting a cold and feel pretty miserable, but it wasn't enough to stop us from being there to watch Trevor be baptized. It was an especially special day sine his grandpa has also decided to be baptised and so Trevor and his grandpa were going to be baptized on the same day. The kids and I got ready and headed out. We made it about 45 minutes and Isaac starts talking from the back seat. "Mom, I am feeling kind of car sick. Mom, I think I'm going to throw up. Oh NO!" Vomit EVERYWHERE. Wasn't just a little bit, tons. Chunky, smelly vomit. We had to drive another 6 minutes to an exit where we could pull off. It was pouring down rain, I was in church clothes, stripping Isaac naked in a gas station parking lot. I rinsed his clothes out in a puddle, scraping them on the ground to get as many vomit chunks off as I could. Isaac was down to his undershirt and underwear, crying and shivering. When I first took him our of the car he had handfulls of vomit he caught in an attempt to not get it everywhere. It was all over his face, clothes and IN his shoes. I felt so bad for him, and I'm sure I looked ridiculous running back and forth from the pumps getting paper towels to clean up what I could. We turned around and got home. One and a half hours in the car, just to clean up vomit. And how is Isaac now? Fine. Energy is back, doesn't feel sick, a normal little boy. I'm glad he is healthy, but so sad that we missed out on Trevor's special day. Hopefully Jenny will write about it and post pictures on her blog.

So now I'm home, still feeling crummy, doing laundry, and still have to plan my lesson for church tomorrow. This isn't Isaac's first bout of motion sickness. He has thrown up more than once on airplanes and long car rides. I'm thinking we are going to have to start traveling with an empty bucket to catch his puke. What a day!

How Truthful it is.

My cousin Mike challenged me to a truth meme. Write 10 truthful things about yourself. Seems easy enough.

1. I am hopelessly addicted to teen movies and sitcoms. I can't get enough BH90210, then or now. Loved the OC, still watch One Tree Hill, Gossip Girl and Secret Life of the American Teenager. Some of my favorite movies are 10 Things I Hate About You, Clueless, Bring it On and pretty much anything that was made for someone about 15 years younger than me. I loved high school, and still love watching everyone else's unreal versions of it.

2. I will always be sad that we didn't have one more child. I love my kids and I am so grateful to have each of them. I have always felt, and will probably always feel like someone is missing. I sometimes wonder if we will ever add to our family in a different way, but if we don't, I know that I will always feel a bit of an empty spot for the one we never had.

3. I am an horrible housewife. I can't keep my house clean, I hate to cook, and I am so unprepared all the time. I can pull it together when it counts, but just can't seem to make myself stay on top of things. It is one of the things I dislike most about myself.

4. I often replay conversations in my head over an over thinking about all the stupid things I said. Sometimes I realize after a conversation that I talked too much, didn't ask enough questions, said more than I really wanted to, or said something I just shouldn't. If you've seen Mean Girls(another fav teen movie) the term "word vomit" seems to describe how I feel about myself sometimes.

5. I have a big secret. Some people know it, but many don't. I'm not going to tell the secret, but I don't think that most people would know that I would have one this big. And that is enough truth about that.

6. I have to sleep with my special pillow at night. I have had it for a while, and should replace it. When I'm at home, I can't sleep without it. I get mad when I see Brian using it or if the kids sit on it. If I want to lay down on the couch, I get the pillow from the bedroom. I use an oversized pillow case for it so it's easier to carry around.

7. I hate to re-use towels. I use them once and have to wash them. (Sorry, Marcie, I know it's so not green!) I used to use any old towel I could find, because I knew that I was the only one who was using it. But after getting married I started to worry about getting towels mixed up. I remember thinking, the first thing I dry off is my face...what is the last thing the person before me dried off. It freaked me out, and I still hate thinking about using a towel twice!

8. I am weird about color matching. I can't mix brown and black unless they are in the same piece of clothing. I won't wear brown shoes with a black top-that kind of thing. Jenny teases me all the time about it. I don't wear a cream colored top with white socks. To me it makes perfect sense.

9. I am terrified of failing in school. I am so worried that I won't be able to get the grades I need for the program I want. I'm worried about not being able to do what I need to well enough to go where I want to. I am putting a lot of pressure on myself to be perfect, which can lead to tears and frustration.

10. I love playing rockband and guitar hero. I will sit by myself and play guitar or sing into the microphone for hours. I will play until my fingers hurt, my neck and shoulders are sore. I'll sing until my voice is gone, then play the guitar for a while longer. I have an inner rockstar that is just itching to get out. Maybe that's why I'm not a good housewife...I'm a rocker, through and through :)

Ok, so maybe this wasn't easy. There are so many more than 10 truths about me, but choosing what to share is tough. I'm not big on tagging others, so if you are up for the 10 truth challenge-go for it! Leave me a comment and let me know that you've done it too!