Last night was awful. All the stress and self doubt had piled up and just finally became too much. I knew last night that I wasn't being rational. I knew that it wouldn't always feel like it did in that moment, but that didn't stop me from feeling every bit of what I felt and thinking that I just couldn't do it anymore. But haven't we all felt like that at some point in our life. The challenges just keep coming, and I'm going to have them whether I'm in school or not. This is my challenge right now. In a few years it will be something different.
Last night I crashed hard and I slept for almost 12 hours. I'm sure the sleep deprivation of last week played a big part in my mini breakdown. When I finally woke up it took me a few hours to feel motivated to do much, but eventually I tackled my Psych reading and took my quiz. I managed a 9/10 which helped improve my mood. Plus, the two chapters I had to read were ones that were really interesting to me. While I was reading them Isaac came in and we talked about what I was reading. He asked me if I wanted him to help me with flashcards again tonight. I didn't have any to work on, but it made me happy that he wanted to help me. After finally showering and running a few errands I started to feel like myself again.
Tonight I hung out with Elijah for almost 4 hours. I can't remember the last time the two of us spent that much time together. I loved it. Tomorrow we are all going down to my mom's to visit Erika and Adam who are in town for a very short visit. I'm sure a big hug from my sister and my mom will make me feel even that much better.
I don't know how everything will turn out. I don't know if my plans will work out the way I want them to. What I do know is that I've started this, and I will not quit. I'm going to have good weeks and awful weeks. I'll have good tests and bad tests. I'll have days where I feel like a great mom and days where I'll feel like I have failed my kids. I just need to remind myself that everyone feels those ups and downs. We all have them. If I need to cry or wallow, that's ok. I just need to remember to pull myself out of it, because as much as I hate the bad stuff I don't want it to own me. I want the good stuff too and I'm determined not to miss it.
Saturday, October 10, 2009
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12 comments:
That's my girl!!
I like how you put this--very well-written. We all have our self doubt and our challenges, but we can't let them own us. However, venting is GOOD. We need to express our frustrations and sadness and fear. We're not robots after all.
Our lives are full of challenges. As someone once said, "Grab the joy when you can because crap is right around the corner." Glad you grabbed some joy with Elijah. Glad you are hanging in there!
You CAN do it! I was happy to get a hug and wish we had more time! I can't believe how tall the kids are getting. It was also great to see Brian! Hope you have a better week and I love you!
I always think of life as being like one of those exaggerated stock market graphs they use in movies. Up, down, up, down... but definitely trending upward over time :) Hang in there!
My, my. Someone's been awfully busy.
You know, when I check blogs, I normally just type the URL in without actually logging into my blog to check for like, updates and things like that, so I totally missed out on your Wallowing post and those things below it.
But, having read it, any words of encouragement I might make now would seem a rather moot point, what with your heroic rising out of the flames and all that.
BUT I'M SURE, being you, you'd want to hear it anyway, so I'll just start from...well, the bottom, and move my way up.
So let's see. No comment on the mother thing. Life is tough, and though I don't know what the situation is, I can understand how tough things can be, so yeah. You've got my support there. =)
Just between you and me...and probably everyone else reading your comments, i check your blog *almost* every day. It's kind of habitual. There are a number of blogs I just check like this. I might not even READ them, but I do check to see if it's been updated. Something to keep my mind busy, I guess, since I'm multitasking so much. But you know, it does bring a smile to me to be able to read about what you've been up to, so you can be assured of THAT MUCH, at least.
Smart is a relative term, dontcha know. There's this one movie called Idiocracy, and it's about this average IQ guy who suddenly becomes the smartest man on the planet because everyone else has such a low IQ. So people probably thought you were smart because, duh, they're not as smart as you are! =D
On the other hand, when you think about it, of course you have to work hard. If you really want to achieve what you want to achieve, that is. But maybe that's why people think you're smart. Because you WORK SO HARD. People look up to you and admire you for that trait. It's easier to call you "smart" for that then to say "oh she's so studious" or "oh she's so hard working" because "smart" sounds a lot better. "She's so smart." You know how it is. =) As for setting the bar higher well...gee. I'm not really sure what to say.
I COULD say that you shouldn't be listening to those people and setting standards for yourself that you want to achieve, or I could say that you shouldn't feel left down because you're trying to fill standards that you're making up for yourself that people have made up for you, but neither one of those seems right.
Instead, I will impart a little wisdom that I have garnered over the years. It's a little exercise from one of those teacher workshop things. And, this may feel a little silly, but go ahead and play along with me as you read.
So, what I want you to do is to put your arms up into the air. Done that? Okay. Now, stretch them up a little higher. Done that? Okay, now the whopper. Why didn't you stretch your arms out all the way in the first place? =)
The idea is that you should always be reaching for the highest standard you can achieve. Or something along those lines.
Anyway, you shouldn't feel let down by...being unable to...pass your tests..? I'm not sure what troubles you're having in school. It just sounds like you're massively depressed because you're facing a wall of homework and you don't know if you can do it all.
Now this being proud of a disaster nonsense. I would like to point out that the people who are proud of you are not proud of you because you can get As on tests, or you married a great guy and have three kids, or you make the best spaghetti this side of the western seaboard, or whatever it is. The people are proud of you because you are you! (At least, I'm hoping this rings true for the people who are proud of you.) So yes, you can be a disaster, and that's okay, because, I, for one, am glad to know a disaster such as yourself. (No offense). I mean, nobody's perfect, ey? But where's the fun in life if everything went all smoothly and perfectly and blah blah blah. Make some mistakes! Get messy! Take a few risks! Rawr!
Now then. Quote, "Will you always be like this? Yes." etc. etc. Brianna, for as long as I've known you, you have ALWAYS been like this. A massive, dysfunctional mess. And I mean this in a GOOD way. Because despite all the problems and the stress and the issues and EVERYTHING, you still keep on truckin. So, I just answered your question. The answer IS yes. And you will keep adding to that list of things you feel bad about. And you will always be sinking. And you will always be a disaster. But you know what? You always manage to cross things off that list. You always manage to stay afloat. And you always somehow manage to call 911 and...save...the day. Or something like that. These are all bad metaphors, but I'm sure you get my point.
I'd like to make mention of my friend Ellen, who I actually mentioned you in one of my conversations with her. See, my friend Ellen is pregnant. (SHHHHH). With her THIRD child. And she's totally freaking out, because she's already stressed out with two kids, and she's afraid she'll be a bad mother, and her kids will turn to drugs and become gangsters (okay that last bit's an exaggeration, but still.) And I was TOTALLY like, "You know what Ellen? I know someone just like you who has three kids. And she's going to school for nursing and blah blah. And you know what? She's freaking out too. But she does an excellent job of freaking out." <== Those were not my exact words. But, you get my point. You've got three kids, you're going to school, you're doing all this stuff, and you expect things to go smoothly? HA. But it doesn't matter that things aren't going smoothly. Because things are going, and you are GETTING THROUGH IT. And really, isn't that what life's all about? All these challenges and experiences and what not?
So I say to you, go ahead and freak out. But hey, look at what you HAVE accomplished. Three great kids, a great marriage, a somewhat-clean house, you're NOT failing school, etc. etc.
Okay. I'm running out of words of encouragement here.
I'm also glad that you crashed for 12 hours. Sometimes, you just gotta know, you can't handle it. You're going to bail. You're going to sit in front of the TV with a bucket of ice cream and just veg out for 9 hours.
And that's a good thing. Like I said, we're not perfect. =)
Of course, you can't spend ALL of your time vegging out. Heh.
BUT ANYWAY, you seem on track. So that's good. It's unfortunate that we don't bump into each other outside of Subway anymore, but hey, it's all gee.
My that was long. And my, it's 3. So much for posting something on my blog tonight. Oh well, this was more than worth it. =)
Anyway! Glad to see you're doing well, keep me updated. Heh. And perhaps our paths shall cross some time or another.
So apparently I'm only limited to 4096 characters when leaving a comment. Thus, I had to break my comment up into three (now it's four) separate pieces. HOPEFULLY, they won't come out of order as to you being completely confused and being like, "Huh?" when reading them.
I'm going to save my extremely long comment in notepad so I can resend it to you if need be, because I feel that my 40 minutes of typing it will have gone to waste if you don't at least READ it.
OKAY, good night. =)
Thank you Eric :)
Sweet, my comment gets the "thank you" special treatment. YES.
Well you wrote a whole book of a comment! Of course it gets a thank you!
Here's another! Thanks Eric!
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