Sometimes Hard Work Doesn't Pay Off

I've done all I think I can do. I have given up my free time, my time with my children, and I have given everything I have to my A&P class...but it just isn't enough. I have no hope of that A- anymore. Even after my final on Friday I will most likely end up with a B, maybe a B+, but that is a long shot. Don't get me wrong, a B is a fine grade, but it feels like it doesn't reflect what I actually put myself through and what I learned in the class. I don't know why I struggle on the tests. I know the material, can carry on conversations with students about the material, even had a long one with the teacher about some of it and she said I had a good grasp of it. Then I sit down to take her tests and it doesn't translate. Her questions are confusing and worded so hard for me. I don't think that a B will change my chances of getting into the program I want, at least, I'm hoping it won't, but it is such a personal disappointment for me. If I felt like I had only provided B work, it might be different, but I have killed myself for this class. I know, I'm such a whiner, but if I don't let it out it will eat me alive. After a very long weekend filled with a few too many tears, my emotions are already so close to the surface. It was agony trying to sit through 2 hours of lecture feeling like such a failure. I am hard on myself, only because I know I am capable of so much more than what I'm showing. I just don't understand what I am doing wrong...trust me, even though I wrote about procrastination and 90210, I promise I didn't really do all the much watching...and you do need to rest to avoid synaptic fatigue (something I learned about in my class.) After tonight I am more than ready for the week to be over. I can see myself in the California sunshine, nothing hanging over my head, laughing, exploring and building memories I want instead of cramming things into my brain that won't come out right and make me feel awful. I can do this, right? Can I make it through the next 3 days? I can tell you one thing, I'm going to enjoy every moment at the kids school and not kill myself with worry about my final. Those are the memories I want from this week. Tomorrow morning I'll be at the park with my daughter, watching her celebrate the end of kindergarten, Thursday I'll watch Elijah in a class play. I'm going to look for all the good things this week, and let the rest work out the way it will. I can only do so much. I can tell you I'm glad I'll have a different teacher in the fall...we'll see if it makes a difference. At least I don't have to worry about that until fall!