Still Going...Barely.

I wonder sometimes how I am even functioning. I'm so tired, and even when I'm doing nothing, I just feel tired. The weight of going to school, trying to get into a very competitive program, and you know, raising my kids is getting to me. Last week I just kind of shut down. I was feeling so overwhelmed and I just stopped. I didn't clean, I did almost NO math and I slept more than I should have. I was in a funk. Now I'm trying desperately to pull myself back out, and it isn't easy. My house is a mess, I have a ton of school work, especially math, to do. I have a big bone quiz on Thursday, a math mid-term on Monday morning at 8:30 and an A&P test that Monday night. The kids are switching to Tuesday/Thursday swimming lessons, so now we will be trying to fit in swimming on Tue from 5:50-6:20 followed by scouts at 7:00 and I will still be in school M, W, Th. Brian is finishing his last few papers by this Friday and once they are submitted and graded he will be ready for graduation! He will finally have his bachelors degree after a lot of very hard work. He is working like crazy on his papers and has recently had a change in position at work that is keeping him longer hours there. I'm craving summer, but starting to re-think my summer plans. I have to get my CNA before applying to the nursing program. I was going to do it next summer, but I am considering doing it this summer. It is a very intensive course. 6 weeks in class M-TH for 3-4 hours a night and Saturdays for another 5 hours...6 weeks straight. When that if finished there are two weeks of work in hospitals and nursing homes. The upside to doing this now is the opportunity to work if I need to to help pay for school and save. The downside is no summer for me, and probably for my kids. But, looking at the program, I have to do it either this summer or next...so is it worth putting off? It's hard to make a decision like this when I'm already feeling so bummed out. My instinct is to just run to the cabin and hide away there all summer, pretending that loads of responsibility and school are not waiting for me to return. But, I'm thinking that is not the most practical thing. But, practicality will not give me the summer I'm craving with my kids and with Brian. I could go on rambling about this forever, but homework and bone memorization are waiting.

In non-school news, the kids all got haircuts today. I didn't take any pictures because it was devastating to Elijah. We have told him for a while that if he wants to keep his hair long he needs to take care of it. Wash it and brush it. He doesn't. Then, when I brush it he cries and gets mad at me. The drama was too much. He now has short hair. It looks nice on him, but I would never tell him how much I miss his long hair. It was so beautiful on him. I loved it. It suited his personality and he looks great. He put his hood on after his haircut and sat on the sofa at my friend's home (who does an awesome job cutting hair!) and cried. I felt awful for him. Brian and I have told him he can start to earn back the long hair by taking care of it from now on. If he keeps it brushed and clean I won't make him cut it again until school starts in Sept. He was coming around to the short hair tonight and feeling better about it. Eve and Isaac look cute too. I love Eve's hair shorter and Isaac just keeps looking older and older.

On Saturday night, Brian and I went to a wedding reception for one of the girls that I used to babysit. She looked so beautiful. It was great to see some of my old neighbors and get a big hug from one of my favorite neighbors, C. I babysat C's kids from the time I was 13 until after Elijah was born. I remember holding her youngest son, S, just days after he came home from the hospital. When S was 8 he started to get sick. He was never diagnosed, but his body slowly deteriorated and he passed way 5 years ago. It still breaks my heart when I think about it. I will always be so grateful to the other mothers in my neighborhood. They looked out for me and for Erika, they trusted us with their children and when our dad left, they took time to talk to us, and to be there for us. I had a street FULL of moms. It was nice to be there for one of them as her daughter got married, and great to hug C and make plans for a summer visit. She asked me to bring my kids to the house so she can watch them play in her yard while we catch up. I can't wait to do that. After the reception Brian took me to dinner. It was such a treat. I can't even remember the last time Brian and I went out to eat together. In all the stress of school, house, kids, and life, Brian has been so good to me. To have some time alone with him, to talk and laugh and feel happy was just what I needed. I wish it had lasted longer and held off the real world that came creeping back on Monday!