A New Year's EVE post

Another holiday that Eve thinks is all about her! Last night she came downstairs at 11 and asked if it was bed time yet. I had thought she went to bed much earlier! This morning when she got up I heard her talking to Isaac in the kitchen.
E: "I'm so tired."
I: "So go back to sleep."
E: "I TRIED! There is too much sun in my room."

I thought it was cute. Then a little later she came out to the living room and said,
"Mom, the morning came so fast. It always comes too fast." Exactly how I feel! Poor girl is a wreck right now. She just got sent to her room and hopefully she will take a nap. Tonight is our New Year's Eve water gun fight IN the house. I'm sure it will be a lot of fun. I still have some errands to do and need to get the house picked up so we can turn the lights out and have our water fight. The kids love it, Brian and I love it. It's one of our favorite holiday traditions!
Happy New Year!

Just Wanted To Let You Know

Yesterday I spent a few hours with an old friend from school in Seattle. I had an awful headache and was still upset from the night before. When I got home I collapsed on the couch and fell asleep. When I woke up Isaac came into the living room.
"Mom! You look awful!"
"I feel awful, Isaac."
"Just wanted to let you know that I noticed."

This makes me smile. I hope Isaac will always notice things and always be this thoughtful. He wanted to make sure I knew that he was aware of me and how I was feeling. Maybe my boys won't end up ignoring the people around them. I am a lucky mom.

How Long?

Yesterday Brian and I spent three hours shoveling our road. One of our neighbors passed away this week and the services for him were yesterday. At about 10:30 on of his grown daughters knocked on our door looking for shovels. Our road was still in really bad shape and they were worried about getting out, as well as worried about the people coming to the home after the service. Brian and I grabbed our shovels and worked on the road for three hours. We called the bishop and his son who live down the road and they came up to help. My body is sore, my hands are blistered and cut, but it was worth it as I watched his widow walk without falling to her car, and received a tear filled thank you as she passed.

Today I spend the day cleaning up and preparing a big dinner for my dad's family. We were having them up to have a small Christmas celebration. I made a small turkey, cornbread dressing from scratch, and all the works. My body aches, but I was happy to do the work. We never did get a full count of who was coming, and it ended up just being my dad and his wife. We had a nice dinner and everything was going fine. Then we got to presents. The kids were excited with their gifts, and Brian got a great pair of guitar hero pajama bottoms that we all got a kick out of. I also got some pj bottoms and a few gift cards. Back at the end of November I told my dad not to get me any gift cards or money. I told him that if he wanted to buy for me for Christmas that I would rather he get something from Global Daughter this year. When I had my open house Thanksgiving weekend he came. He told me to pick out what I wanted for Christmas. I chose the beautiful copper tray, picked out the one with the coloring I liked the best. He asked if he should leave it or take it home and wrap it. Since it was the only thing I expected I asked him to wrap it to add to the fun on our Christmas celebration. I have been looking forward to getting this tray all month, thinking about where I would put it and excited about it. After I opened my gifts I noticed that there was no tray. I asked my dad about it. He said that his step daughter saw it and asked him for it to give as a gift to her friend, that it was just perfect for her friend, so she took it. I tried not to cry, and not because of the tray. It's been 16 years since my dad left our family. Do you know how long it has taken me to feel like we weren't given up for his new wife and her kids? Me either, because I still feel like that. I take the time to pick out a gift, know that I'm getting it, find the perfect one and he just gives it to his step-daughter so she can pass it along? What the hell? Nothing brings me back to reality like being reminded where I fit in his life. My dad bought a bag full of stuff from Erika to have on hand for gifts, and there were plenty of other choices that he had in that bag and he just lets her have the one thing he bought for me. Then when we sit down to open gifts he doesn't even have the balls to tell me that he gave it to D. He just gives me gifts and what? Hopes I'll forget? I have to ask him about it?
I called my mom and cried...How long will it be until he realized how much he has hurt this family, how much he has hurt his daughters? And how long will it be before he stops? I don't expect anything from my dad. I gave up on having the kind of relationship I wished for a long time ago. I'm fine with the surface stuff, and don't expect much. If I had never known what he had gotten me as a gift, it wouldn't have mattered if he passed it off to D. But, instead, I am reminded of where I rank in his life. I have always told myself that he loves me even if he doesn't show it the way I wish he would. I'm starting to doubt that. I wonder if he just sees me and Erika as burdens, inconveniences in his life. We certainly will never come before his step children. Isn't it supposed to be the other way around? Shouldn't they feel like they'll never compare in his eyes to us? Instead he puts his time and energy into their lives, their wants, their problems. Maybe if I was a self centered teenage college girl or a boy who is battling drug addiction I might rank? Or maybe that would be his excuse to leave again.
Next year I'll know better. I'll keep my mouth shut, buy myself my own Global Daughter gift and go back to expecting what I am sure to get from him, nothing.

****I just wanted to add this. Tonight when I was crying to my mom on the phone she said, "Oh honey, I wish there was something I could do." I hope she knows that she has done everything. I am so lucky to have her, so luck that she has filled up so much of the hole that was left in me. It makes me scared to think what kind of person I could have become if it wasn't for her. Dad may not get it, but Mom does. When my little pity party is over, I will still have such a great realtionship with her. I hit the jackpot as far as mothers go. I know how long she will get it...forever. I wouldn't trade her for anything. Love you Mom.***

The Christmas Post

This pictures sums up the week we've had here in the Northwest. Watching snow fall outside, wondering if it will ever stop! The magic of the snow is long gone for me. I'm ready for it to melt! I was so bummed Christmas morning to see how fast the snow was falling in our town. It made a beautiful backdrop while the kids opened their gifts, but I knew there was no way I was getting my van out of our neighborhood. Luckily my father-in-law offered to drive us down to my aunt's for Christmas dinner. I was so excited to get out of the house and spend Christmas with my family. But for me, this was no ordinary Christmas! Little did I know the fun surprises waiting for me at Auntie's!


This is Sadie! She is Auntie's loving goldendoodle. She is such a love. She is the biggest lapdog I have ever seen. I love having her climb up on my lap. She'll lay her big head right on your shoulder and shower you with attention. She's big, but she's such a love!


So, while we were waiting for my cousin and his family to arrive I was sitting with dear Sadie on the big chair. She was right in my lap, head on my shoulder and I was loving it. Michael and his family arrived and Sadie heard the commotion right away. She stood up, still on my lap, and was ready to jump down to greet the company. She LOVES company. My aunt was close by and commanded Sadie to sit. Sadie didn't sit, she was just squirming around trying to figure out if she should obey or ignore Auntie and make a run for the company. Auntie kept telling her to sit. Sadie kept squirming, not sure what to do with all the excitement. Then, she found a way to, well relieve, some of her excitement. I felt something wet on my leg. Auntie is still telling Sadie to sit, and then, something more on my leg. I look, and Sadie is dripping pee right on me! I tried to get Auntie's attention, to help me get Sadie down, but with all the noise of the new visitors, Sadie's barking, and Auntie continuing to command Sadie to sit, she didn't hear me. I finally said loudly, "Sadie is peeing on me!" The look on my Auntie's face said it all. She was mortified! She let Sadie off my lap and said that Sadie has never peed from excitement like that before. I felt so lucky to be the first to experience it. Later, my mom and aunt were talking and my aunt told my mom that she felt awful that Sadie peed on me, but so glad she didn't pee on the chair. I laughed so hard when I heard that. Even though I was the one who was peed on, I totally understood. It's much easier to wash a pair of jeans and take a shower than to get animal pee out of a cloth chair! It still makes me laugh that she said it. So you'd think that my adventures would end there. I mean, where can you go after getting peed on by a dog on Christmas? At the end of the night I was downstairs getting one of the kids' wii games. My cousin Michael and his wife, Lisa, my cousin Josh and my uncle were all down there talking. Michael was being silly. As I walked behind him I hear him say something like, "Here's some Christmas noise" and he just let's one fly. I was RIGHT behind him. He didn't see me. I start laughing again. His wife looked mortified. I told him that since the dog already peed on me, it didn't come as a surprise that I'd end my night with another special Christmas gift.

Our family did all the special Christmas things this year. The kids got great gifts and we had so much fun Christmas morning. My Aunt made an amazing dinner and I loved every minute of being there with my family. We had all the wonderful moments that Christmas is made of. But for me, this will always be the Christmas that the dog peed on me and my cousin said his good-byes with ambush gas. And I wouldn't have it any other way! Hope you all made your own wonderful memories. And to my loving family...MFC...another one for the books! I love you all!

Sometimes

Sometimes things don't go the way we want them to. And when that happens, there is nothing better than a sister who makes you laugh, even when you would rather cry. Today is her birthday...and I couldn't have gotten any luckier than to be given a sister for a Christmas gift. Love you, Erika. Happy Birthday.

Avoiding

I've been avoiding my blog. That hasn't stopped me from checking blogger all the time to see if others are posting, but I just haven't felt like it. I didn't feel like writing about all the snow we've gotten this week. It was beautiful for a few days, and now it's just a pain. I have no desire for a white Christmas. I really want warm rain to wash the roads clean and make it possible to get to my aunt's house on Christmas day. I have a small turkey in my fridge as back up, but no cabbage to go with it! I would like to spend Christmas with my sister. She has fallen in love and is off to California with Adam for a new adventure. I'm so excited for her, but I have gotten so used to having her here. The selfish part of me wants her to stay. I know she understands. That same part of her hated watching me leave before Christmas when I was pregnant with Isaac and we moved to the east coast. Having her leave in just a few days makes this Christmas feel that much more important to me. And the weather just has to go put all of the plans up in the air. Being snowed in has had some advantages. I finished wrapping all my gifts on Sunday. I have never wrapped gifts so early. Usually I'm up for hours finishing on Christmas Eve. This year all the gifts are wrapped and tucked away in my closet. I'd like to be proud of myself for having it done, but it's just another reminder of the snow, cause let's face it, if I could be out and about I'd have found much better things to do! I've also been cleaning. I don't think my house has ever been this clean before Christmas. But since it's clean, what else should I do? Make a big dinner? Done. Clean up from dinner? Done. Make cookies. Sure. I'm so bored I've cleaned, cooked, finished laundry-even doing small unnecessary loads to keep busy, AND made cookies from scratch. It feels good to have gotten so much done, but the boredom is still here. I've passed the time online, watching TV and movies and playing Rockband 2. The other night I just sang-loudly-to my favorite songs on the game, by myself. It felt a little pathetic, but boredom took its toll! The forecast is calling for more snow tomorrow. So that means cleaning the kids' rooms. I've held that off for last so they will be clean on Christmas morning. I will be making each of them help, cause when I ask them to do it alone socks end up in toy boxes and toys end up under beds, or under blankets on the bed. They learned that from me, cleaning has never been my strongest skill! But every so often I go up and do a big clean with them that usually requires a lot of garbage bags and patience. Garbage bags I have plenty of, patience has been a bit harder to come by.

So even though I have been complaining (which is part of why I haven't wanted to blog-who wants to read a whiny blog so close to Christmas?) I am excited to see the kids on Christmas morning. And being stuck at home has had a few advantages. Two nights ago Elijah cuddled up with me on the couch and we watched a movie. Tonight all three kids hung out with me and we watched Enchanted-which I love. Eve helped me with the cookies and tonight Elijah told me that I am a great mom. He said, " I really wanted to get you something awesome for Christmas. You are such a great mom and you do everything for us. You make great dinners and cookies and hang out with us. But you do get crabby sometimes." Honestly, the best compliment ever. Even the crabby part. Because he recognized the things I do for all of them, and also knows that I'm human and that I'm not perfect. He knows that me being crabby doesn't have anything to do with how much I love my children. Makes me hopeful that he won't have unreasonable expectations for the woman he chooses to be with. That makes me smile.

So here is the run down. Tired of snow, gotten a lot done-even if I didn't want to, have awesome kids, hopeful for Christmas dinner at my aunts, but ready to enjoy it here at home if I have to. Honestly, as long as I get to be with my children and Brian, that is enough for me.

The Grades Are In!

Math - A
Psych 100 - A
English - A

I think I'm off to a good start!

Essays

Yesterday I was going through a pile of Elijah's school work that he had left on the counter. I came across this essay that he had written for class. I was so impressed. For being in the 4th grade, he sure is writing well and he is just so funny. I've decided to type it out here on the blog for all of you to enjoy. I'm typing it just the way it was typed for his class! Enjoy!

The great sport of swimming
by Elijah

Splash! Dive, dive, dive, dive! That's the sound of me doing my favorite sport, swimming! Find out the many skills I learned, what effort I need, and how I face the competition.

First up to bat are the skills. I had to learn side breathing, so I didn't have to stop and take a breath. It's also helpful to know how to do bubbles, so if my nose is plugged up I can blow out bubbles and unplug it. It's also good to know how to dive. If it's a competition then it helps a lot. Time for a flash back! Once I was versing the best swimmer in the class. When the teachers screamed go. I dived in. My nose got plugged up. I blew out bubbles to unplug it. Then I had to take a breath. I lunged my head backwards and took a long deep breath and dipped it back in without stopping. Then I won. Now clap for me! Skills help a lot! Flash back over, and this paragraph over.

Next up score a point is the effort. Yay! In swimming you need lots of effort. For example; Strokes need effort otherwise it's hard to go fast. It's good to not stop and daydream while I'm in a competition. It's bad to stop right in the middle of the pool. Effort in swimming or anything else means to not gaze around while you're swimming or being teached.

Now that where almost done, let's talk about the opponents, or competition. We don't do big swim races, we just do little class ones. The enemies (I call them that sometimes) are sometimes as good as me, or better. It's hard to swim against others, but it's still really fun. The hardest opponent I have ever faced is named Sara. But don't worry I can still handle her. And every one else. But it's still hard. Now let's move on!

Hey! I got wet by doing my favorite sport........story! I told you about the skills I learned, what effort I needed, and how I handled the competition. Now go out there and find a sport of your own. You won't regret it. Also keep reading my stories, you won't regret that either.


Brian and I both really enjoyed reading his essay. I am glad I found it before it got tossed out. He smiled so big when Brian and I told him how much we enjoyed his essay. He loves to write, and his stories are so funny. It's great to see him getting a sense of standard essay writing too. His personality shines through in his writing.

I also thought I would post my favorite essay that I wrote this quarter. We had to write an essay about a group that we belong to. The topic was really broad, and I had a hard time figuring out what I wanted to write about. When I sat down to work on it, I realized how many different groups I did belong to. Here is the essay that I wrote. (I got an A by the way)


Kissing in the Kitchen

How long do the effects of divorce last on a child? That question reminds me of another, “How many licks does it take to get the center of a tootsie pop?” The answer in the commercial was, “The world may never know.” I believe that answer also applies to my question. I am a child of divorce, but I am no longer a child. I am a thirty year old woman who wonders if I will ever really stop feeling the effects from the loss of my parents’ marriage.

My dad left when I was fourteen. It came out of nowhere. My parents never argued in front of us. They would steal kisses in the kitchen while my sister and I would cover our eyes and let out a giggly eww. My parents held hands and spoke kindly to each other. We spent the majority of our time doing family activities and even a few amazing vacations. I was happy and secure in my family. It all changed in one morning. As my sister and I were getting ready for school in late April we heard screams coming from upstairs. We quickly went into our entry to see where they were coming from. Dad was cowardly running down the stairs as my mom continued to yell after him. I had never seen anything like this in my home. We watched as the remote control flew at Dad’s face, hitting the wall as he ducked. When they finally noticed us standing there, they stopped and calmly asked us to finish getting ready for school. It was supposed to be a normal morning, not a morning that would haunt me well into my adult life.

When we returned home from school we were greeted by both parents, but no explanation. My mother sat quietly crying in a kitchen chair, while my dad started at the floor. There were no declarations of love for me and my sister, there were no apologies. There was only the voice of a twelve year old girl, brave enough to say, “You had an affair didn’t you?” She had to be mistaken. I waited for the refusal from Dad. It didn’t come. We waited for something, anything to make it right. We were answered with silence and tears. Erika and I left that room and fled to the safety of friends. It was the last time I saw my dad for an entire year.

Dad was convinced that Erika and I would be fine. He was a Jr. High school counselor, and had seen many children from divorced homes that were just fine. And in some ways he was right. On the surface we were ok. We maintained our grades, our activities and our friends. On the inside we were destroyed. How do you make the right choices when your moral compass throws morality out the window? How do you build self esteem when your dad chooses another woman over his own family?

I had hoped that when I left for college it would stop hurting as much. I thought that if I could just get out on my own, it won’t matter that my family was fractured. I was wrong. When I met Brian I was swept away by romance. Months after we met we were engaged. I changed my religion, abandoned the thought of finishing school, and began to plan my own family. Looking back, I doubt I would have made these choices if my parents had stayed married. I was desperate for a whole family. I was sure that it couldn’t be that hard to make a marriage and a family work and I was determined to prove that it could be done. Brian and I were married shortly after I turned nineteen. I was confident that I could escape the pain of my parents’ failed marriage by creating a successful one of my own.

After the birth of my first child, I realized that I had entered the new phase of being a child of divorce. Separate visits with his grandparents, awkward silences at birthday parties, and the consuming fear that Elijah, my son, would grow up wondering why his grandparents could hardly be in the same room as each other. It had been six years since Dad had left, and as hard as I had tried to stop the pain, it hadn’t left. It just shifted into new places in my life.

Brian and I moved to the East Coast when Elijah was two. Our next two children were both born there. I missed my mom and I missed my life in Washington, but I found myself enjoying the peace of living so far from the hurt and frustration dealing with my parents’ separate lives. It was easier to celebrate the milestone and easier to celebrate the holidays. When Mom would visit, there was no worry about seeing Dad. When Dad was visiting there was now worry of hurting Mom. It was the first time I thought that I had peace. Really, I just had distance.

When we decided to move home, the anxiety came back. The first time I noticed it was at Elijah’s basketball game. Both my parents were there, which wasn’t a surprise. My parents were always there for everything, they loved being parents and loved being grandparents. My mom had gotten there first. She sat down with me, Brian and the younger children. A few minutes later Dad entered the gym. He gave a wave and walked across the room to the opposite side and sat down. I was twenty seven years old and still had to choose. Did I stay with my mom or did I go and sit with my dad. And then my anger came. We were all there to support Elijah. How would it look for my children to see their grandparents on opposite sides of the room? That night I called my dad. I was crying. It was so hard for me to tell him how much I still hurt. I told him that there was no reason why we should not sit together during games. There was no reason that my children should ever have to feel like they had to divide their attention between grandparents. There was no reason for them to ever feel even a piece of pain that I feel. He agreed, and at the next game Elijah had the largest cheering section, with both of his grandparents sitting together.

This past winter I was at another one of Elijah’s games. Brian and the younger children had stayed home and it was only me, Mom, and Dad sitting in the stands. For the first time in fifteen years I sat between my parents. They spoke to each other over me, having a nice conversation, even laughing. As I sat there I had to fight the urge to cry. I was between the two people in this world that created me. At one time they loved each other more than anything else in the world. I felt such power in my identity. I was part of each of them. That afternoon I didn’t have to be part of only one of them. I was part of both of them, and we were all together. All I had wanted for the past fifteen years was to feel that again.

I am a grown child of divorce. What happened when I was a child has shaped my life in more ways that I probably know. I married young and I chose a faith that centered around family and accountability. I was a young mother trying to create a family that would last. I still feel the pain of the day he left. I still ache for the family that I once had. I used to think that these feelings would go away and that one day, like magic, I would just be ok with what happened. I don’t think that will ever happen. I have to live with the choice someone else made and do my best not to repeat it. Sometimes my children catch me and Brian kissing in the kitchen. They cover their eyes and let out their own “eww” as they giggle and laugh. I wonder if it makes them feel the same way I did. I hope so. How long will the effects of my parents’ divorce last on me? Forever.

A Good Day for Grades

I got my final English essay back today! A. I also took my last psych test! 98/100! This quarter is looking so much better than 12 years ago. I don't think I'll have to change my address for my final grades so that my mom won't see them this time....

Is It Really December?

I can hardly believe we are a week into December. The last few weeks of November were such a blurr. Recovering from the surgery took some time, but I was feeling a lot better a week out. It is such a relief to not have the constant pain of the cyst. I had so much to do after my surgery. I hosted Thanksgiving for the first time since moving back to the West coast. It was such a great day. I was so glad that my Aunt's family was all here, both my cousins and their families, my mom, Dan, Erika and Adam (who we all love!), My father-in-law, brother-in-law and his wife. It was a FULL house! The only people missing were my cousin Mike and his family. It reminded me a lot of the holidays that I had as a child. I loved spending them with Nathan and Josh (my cousins). We always had so much fun together. Watching all of our kids play and have such a great time was really fun for me. My kids have only 2 cousins, who live in CA and who we really never see. It makes me a bit sad that they don't have the same connections that Erika and I did growing up with our cousins. So watching them play with Nathan and Josh's kids was a big treat! Dinner went really well. My aunt posted a bunch of pictures on her blog and wrote such a nice post about our day. I need to remember not to keep my phone in my back pocket when getting pictures taken... I also posted pics on my facebook account, and I'm just too tired to put them up here too. It was a really great day.

I did do the crazy black Friday shopping with Jen. It's become such a fun tradition for us. We are not crazy about it. We go more for the experience of shopping when we normally wouldn't be. There is something fun about being up before the sun and shopping. Plus, we always have a really good breakfast. We both didn't buy as much in previous years. All of our kids are moving away from wanting lots of toys, so we are know in the phase of buying more expensive gifts that fit their stage in life...which means less under the tree. I am hopeful that the kids will be excited with what they are getting this year. I have some plans to make the tree look full of gifts, but really there will be a lot less than before...only I've spent just as much, if not more, money.

The Saturday after Thanksgiving I hosted an all day open house for Global Daughter. I just loved having Erika here all day, and it was great to see again how people respond to the product and the message. What shocked both of us was the most of the people who came to the open house were men! That's right, any men who read this blog, Global Daughter is the place to get just the right thing for the women in your lives. I think that most of them were so glad to be able to have me and Erika help them pick out something beautiful that they could feel good about giving. I did almost all of my holiday shopping with Global Daughter, and this year is the first year I don't feel like I'm giving junk to people as gifts. I'm really excited for that part of Christmas.

This week I've been trying to get my school work done to finish up the quarter. I'm pretty sure about the grade I will get in 2 of my classes, but unsure about one of them. What I do know is that my grades will be far better than the first time around. YIKES, those were not so good. I have my math final on Wed and can take my last psych test anytime during the next 3 days. It will be so nice to have a few weeks off before the new quarter starts.

Yesterday I got to spend the whole day with Erika. We worked a local bazaar...bazaar was totally the right word to describe that place! When light up Santa Hats sell out and women walk by with huge bangs and Christmas bows in their hair, you just know you are in for a great day of people watching! We had a lot of fun, and a lot of laughs. We also went shopping after and had dinner together. It was fun to have some sister time. Erika is leaving for LA two days after Christmas. I'm so excited for her, and happy for her, but I am going to miss having her so close. I've really enjoyed the last 6 months with her. But I guess now we will have a great reason to visit CA! I'm just so glad for the time that we have had together.