Happy New Year!

It's 10:00 pm. Our water fight is over. I have 3 happy kids, a happy husband and a quiet home. It's been a long year with many challenges. But there have also been so many wonderful moments. I am so grateful for the many blessings in our lives. It is perfect to be home and ringing in the New Year with my own little family.

2010....Here we come!

Cool

Because there was a brief point in time when I was cooler than all of you.
(I'm the one in the middle with the massive amount of neon clothing and plastic sunglasses.)

Make Sure You Never Forget That

On the 14th my baby girl turned 7. I can hardly believe how fast the time has gone. There are a million reasons why I love this girl. I'm pretty sure I will always be over the top emotional about her...it's hard not to be after all I had to go through to bring her into the world, but I can say without a doubt even though it was the hardest thing I have ever done, it was also one of the best things that has ever happened to me. Eve is a mommy's girl. She has always been attached to me more so than anyone else in the family. I worry all the time that as she grows up she and I will go through the normal mother-daughter relationship trials...the "I hate you" and the door slamming, just like I did to my mom. The thing is, right now, at 7, she loves her time with me. She is always asking for girl time, to do things with me...anything. She still climbs in my lap and cuddles with me. I know some of those moments will start to slip away soon, it's only natural for her to grow up and become her own person, to be too big to sit on my lap and to want to spend time with her friends and not her mom. I know it's coming, but I love 7. Tonight my bright and beautiful girl was getting out of the van after a playdate with her friend. As I opened the door for her she was standing there and held her arms out to me wides as can be and says, "I'll love you forever, Mom. Make sure you never forget that." Then she hugged me so tight and said, "Not even when you are at school, ok?" I hugged my girl so tight and told her, "I will love you forever too. Make sure you never forget that."

Every day that I laid in bed, hooked up to my PIK line, sicker than I thought was possible, I kept telling myself that the baby inside would be worth all of it. Even though I kept going, there were days I wanted it all to end and wished that I could just slip away and make it stop, but I knew I couldn't. 7 years later, I look at my daughter and feel so much joy. She was meant to be here. She was an unstoppable force from the moment she was conceived and she still continues to power through life. She goes after new challenges, hates to lose, doesn't back down to her brothers and thinks she runs the show. This is a girl who was never to be ignored! Our family is better because she is here.

My sweetest girl, happy birthday! I love you so much. Make sure you never forget that.

A Family of Strong Women

I am from a family of strong women. This has been a source of great comfort to me in my life. I have a tight circle around me that will not let me fall...and I am there for them. I am so glad to be raising my own daughter with these same women. I hope she will always know who she is, where she comes from and how much she is loved. I know that because of my mom and my aunt, that I do. Today I spent hours on skype with Erika...and I loved it. Tonight Erika and I spent two hours on skype with Auntie. We had one of those conversations that you never want to have...topics that bring up strong emotions and sadness. As much as I wish we didn't have to talk about those things tonight, as much as I wish that the people I love didn't have to experience the pain they are in, I can't help but be grateful that we have each other. Even in the midst of tears, we found some laughter.
Mom, Auntie and Erika, I love you. I am so glad that none of us are really ever alone, that we have each other. I am proud to be part of this line of women....I hope that I am able to pass that strength on to my own daughter, and that the three of you will help me. I love you.

Pulling Myself Out of it

Last night was awful. All the stress and self doubt had piled up and just finally became too much. I knew last night that I wasn't being rational. I knew that it wouldn't always feel like it did in that moment, but that didn't stop me from feeling every bit of what I felt and thinking that I just couldn't do it anymore. But haven't we all felt like that at some point in our life. The challenges just keep coming, and I'm going to have them whether I'm in school or not. This is my challenge right now. In a few years it will be something different.

Last night I crashed hard and I slept for almost 12 hours. I'm sure the sleep deprivation of last week played a big part in my mini breakdown. When I finally woke up it took me a few hours to feel motivated to do much, but eventually I tackled my Psych reading and took my quiz. I managed a 9/10 which helped improve my mood. Plus, the two chapters I had to read were ones that were really interesting to me. While I was reading them Isaac came in and we talked about what I was reading. He asked me if I wanted him to help me with flashcards again tonight. I didn't have any to work on, but it made me happy that he wanted to help me. After finally showering and running a few errands I started to feel like myself again.

Tonight I hung out with Elijah for almost 4 hours. I can't remember the last time the two of us spent that much time together. I loved it. Tomorrow we are all going down to my mom's to visit Erika and Adam who are in town for a very short visit. I'm sure a big hug from my sister and my mom will make me feel even that much better.

I don't know how everything will turn out. I don't know if my plans will work out the way I want them to. What I do know is that I've started this, and I will not quit. I'm going to have good weeks and awful weeks. I'll have good tests and bad tests. I'll have days where I feel like a great mom and days where I'll feel like I have failed my kids. I just need to remind myself that everyone feels those ups and downs. We all have them. If I need to cry or wallow, that's ok. I just need to remember to pull myself out of it, because as much as I hate the bad stuff I don't want it to own me. I want the good stuff too and I'm determined not to miss it.

Wallowing

Who wants to read this blog anymore...not anyone who wants to be uplifted or laugh. It's a total downer. But that's just how I am feeling right now. I just can't escape it. I feel totally trapped. I'm on the verge of tears way more than I'd like to be. Every mistake I make feels like the end of the world. I am just not enough. I don't know how to fix it. It sure doesn't help to be asked questions like, "are you always going to be like this?" What I'd rather have is a hug, some reassurance, a thank you. Instead, I just feel more pressure not to fail. I'm so tired, but I'm on this damn train and there is no getting off. So no matter how crappy I do on an exam or an assignment, there is NO choice to but to move forward.

I've often wondered why people thought I was smart. The truth is, I'm not. I'm mediocre at best. I have to study so hard and it's still not enough. I know that people have this idea that school came naturally, that I was a great student. I'm not. I so want to be, and in some courses it's true. But B's are becoming second nature to me these days and I don't know how to change it. B is average. There is nothing special about B. It doesn't make me fell any better when someone tries to tell me that I'm smart. All that does is set the bar higher than I can reach and reinforce my feeling of failure when I don't. But the sad thing is that I believed it too. I believed I was smart, that I was a good student. So the biggest person I feel like I'm letting down is me. And when you add my guilt about being away from my kids, not getting things done at home and any added stress to my marriage I just start to sink deeper.

This has been the longest week. It's not over. I've finished 3 tests and 1 quiz since Monday and I have 1 more test and 1 more quiz to finish before Monday night. I'm sure that the massive overload of work has not helped my ability to cope. I keep hoping that I'll snap out of this and start feeling like I have a better handle on my life. I just don't know if I will, and it terrifies me. What if the answer to the question, "will you always be like this?" is yes. What then? Will I just be adding that to my list of things I feel bad about? I want to stop sinking. I don't know how. I've said it before. What the hell was I thinking taking this on. Damn all the encouragement and the "I'm so proud of you." Who is going to be proud of a disaster...because, honestly, that is what I feel like I am.

Exhausted

I've just finished typing out an angry blog post. I'm not sure about posting it, I want to, but I'm not sure I'm going to. I'm just so tired. I can't focus on school. I'm trying, but my mind won't cooperate. I know everyone thinks it's so great I'm doing this again, and I'll admit, I was on board with that theory last year, but this year I'm just tired, and I'm not even 1/2 way there. It felt good to write out the anger, but I really don't want people to see me as an angry, bitter person. I'm really not. I just hate it when something you'd rather not deal with ends up in your inbox. I might hit publish, I might not.
Right now I'm just going to close up the laptop, turn out the lights and close my eyes. Hope that the focus comes, the studying pays off and that it will be December soon enough so I can have a few weeks off of school. I can make it 2 more months, right??